Stress flows straight from the chest out towards the rest of the body...  As I meditate I probably should suppress the anti-body, in other words whatever's bothering me.

I can't seem to sleep.  I really want to put this mixtape out ASAP because I want to touch base with so many people online.  The future of music lies within the internet, and I want to capitalize on that.  Artists are returning spirit and soul to the art of hip-hop, just as many have predicted.  The "20-year" cycle as mentioned by 9th Wonder in an unofficial interview is taken place.  After watching a few videos of DumbFounDead, I found this young cat named BDice who has been putting up videos of himself spitting 16 bars every day.  Inspiring effort and his flow is excellent.  I started to realize that there is still no channel for minority underground artists and that bothers me.  I would love to start up a website but nowadays with so many people trying to start their own thing, you need more than just a dream to change the way things are.  

As much as I hate my job at Starbucks right now and would love to give it up for an internship or volunteer work, or even admission back into school, I can't deny that the way my life is situated right now gives me ample room to work on what I love.  After working on it for so many hours at a time though it becomes less of a love and more of work.  A labor of love, I suppose.  As much as I love it, I'm all rapped out.  Not because of any blockage but because it's 5:30AM and I haven't slept.  Ah, Xanga and sunrises.  Classic.

Nobody knows the name, like a ninja...

Here I am, 23, still searching for my niche.  I feel like I'm much closer to it than I realize, but still, I have a long way to go.  There's a passion deep down in my soul that burns the top of my lungs and sometimes keeps me from breathing.  It wants to embrace the whole world and melt.  It tells me to create for other people, to teach and entertain, to reach out and explain, to comfort and console and touch souls and meet minds.  Such a worldly passion...  Encasing that passion is a body that seeks stability.  Reason tells me to find a job.  Find a career, get paid, buy a house and car, and start a family.  I think I just laughed at myself...

Currently I'm working at Starbucks as a Shift Manager, and I've been there since April 2009.  I'm not making a million dollars an hour but it's decent, and interestingly enough, a very good resume builder.  I don't think I've worked a day without something unusually interesting happen.  Someone will come in and start a life-changing conversation, or start shit that will make me want to change my life.  I've seen people come and go through the staff and I've seen a number of people grow.  As I reflect, and as I've muddled over my current position in life, I find myself looking forward for a challenge.  Not just a simple career climbing challenge though, something more out of left field.  

As of Labor Day, I've started working on an online magazine called K.O.S., titled in reference to one of Hip-Hop's Greatest Duos, Blackstar's song "K.O.S. (Determination).  The aim of the website is to culminate a center for underground artists, both musical and visual.  There is a multitude of people on the internet looking for refuge from the same world I find discontent in, and we all need a place to meet and assure each other that we are all not alone.  I genuinely hope this magazine finds readers and in turn, writers as well.  I hope that artists will find comfort in knowing that their self-expression is not only sought after, but very well needed.  Aside from http://kosonline.wordpress.com/, I've also resumed writing poetry and hip-hop under the name Knowin.  My affinity for words always led me to seek comfort from the stresses of life in my own writing and verbal expression.  I hope to record enough using Soundcloud.com to develop a mixtape.  I've already found a number of people I not only would love to work with one day, but even look up to online.  On Youtube, I've found common material in the works of Prosperous Pete and AsthmatikFlow.  On Soundcloud, I've found a new favorite artist in Stainless Steele, and have put a number of producers on my playlist such as hi-note, Otis Funkenmeyer, Maxx Scian, and Sasha Ate.  One of my oldest friends from Texas is also online under the name Feature Cuts.  His work, I hope to see reach radio waves one day.  As for myself, I feel like my work, production and delivery wise, is nowhere near par with these individuals.  I continue to develop and improve my skills as a writer and an artist until I find myself worthy of collaboration.  Until then everything I put out will, to me at least, be considered a work in progress.  I have also started teaching myself guitar on the side, messing around with melodies and chords, and attempting to contort my fingers appropriately.  

For your keen ears, some wordplay to listen to:
Guru, Rest In Peace by Knowin

I am still living at home with my parents and younger brother, but as much as I would love to move out, I feel no rush to do so.  I care about my family a great deal and the way the economy is looking lately, I believe that families are better off sticking together.  I don't plan on moving out until I find a source of income that can allow me to live on my own while being able to help my family back home at the same time.  My parents are peeking into their 60's now and my brother, who is probably one of the most spoiled 21-year olds I know still has yet to learn how to fend for himself.  I've begun sorting through piles of junk that my parents have hoarded into the basement a few days ago in hopes of renovating the basement that we've put to the side for almost 20 years.  I like to think that once I'm done renovating the basement, I'll be at a point in my life where I'll be ready to move out.  

My extended family is for the most part, settled into life.  My oldest cousins here in New Jersey are well into their parenthoods, and my cousins closest to me in age are either in the military, or have jobs that sustain them beyond adequately.  My grandmother would have been proud.  While I sit here and reflect on my family, I feel more and more ashamed of the way my life so far has turned out.  Everyone relied on me to be the "smartest kid" in the family, and here I am, the family's college dropout.  Sometimes I wonder if I actually did do it on purpose to rebel against expectations.  Then, I wonder if I really am that much of a masochist.  However, I thrive on pressure.  In terms of astrology, as an air sign, pressure helps me reach higher goals.  I'm a firm believer in withstanding new challenges to better my mental arsenal.  I know everything will work out, I just wish this pressure didn't come at such a price.  If I had the nerve, I would apologize to my family for not meeting their expectations, but I don't.  I also don't think it would mean anything unless I actually made something of myself.  

So here I go, if you're reading this, you may be reading the downfall of a dropout, but I'm hoping this is the beginning of something...  Worthy of your patience.